The Twelve Days of Xmas
By dinkdrinker
Scene: a shopping district in NNY. Fry, Leela, Bender, Hermes, Amy, and the Professor are walking the sidewalks looking at the window displays...
FRY: Hey! You know what could be fun?
PROFESSOR: NO!
FRY: How about if we sing traditional Christmas carols?
LEELA: You mean X-mas carols?
FRY: No! Christmas carols from MY TIME.
AMY: Fry, I'm afraid we wouldn't KNOW any songs THAT old...
HERMES: How old ARE these songs gonna be? I don't have any papers on me...
FRY: Don't worry, Hermes- they're public domain now! And I can teach you!
BENDER: (Mutters) Oh crap, it's Robot Santa at Macy's all over again...
FRY: (starts to sing) On the FIRST day of Christmas my true love gave to me, a...
LEELA: A new jacket.
FRY: WHAT?
LEELA: (grabs Fry's arm and drags him into a store) You need a new jacket, Fry! You've been wearing that piece of crap for the last millennium!
The rest of the crew wait outside impatiently... Fry and Leela come out. Fry has a nice new jacket on.
FRY: THANKS LEELA! (Kisses Leela and hugs her)
LEELA: Now to get rid of THIS... (throws the old jacket in a burn barrel where a couple of bums are trying to stay warm)
BUM: Thanks for the fuel! Merry Xmas!
FRY: Now where were we? Oh yeah! We were SINGING!
PROFESSOR: Oh, someone kill me now...
BENDER: Hang on, old timer... there's eleven more verses...
FRY: On the SECOND day of Christmas my true love gave to me, Two turtle...
LEELA: Turtlenecks. You also need to get rid of those damned t-shirts Fry! Come on! (drags Fry into another store... comes out with two nice knitted turtleneck sweaters)
FRY: Whoa! Thanks Leela!
AMY: Hey, Fry! What's the third day bring? (everyone looks at her) What? I'm curious!
FRY: On the THIRD day of Christmas...
AMY: Xmas.
FRY: But this is MY version! 20th century!
AMY: (rolls eyes) What-EVER...
FRY: On the THIRD day of Christmas, my true love gave to me! Three French...
AMY: KISSES! Say it's KISSES!
LEELA: Oh well, I'm game if YOU are... (jumps Fry, and they fall out of sight. Leela comes back up, looking in a compact, fixing her hair and lipstick.)
FRY: (getting back to his feet) I... I like that! We can keep that one... (sings again) Three French kisses...
LEELA: Two turtle necks!
FRY: And a new Jacket Leela bought for me!... wait a minute... (sings again) On the FOURTH day of Christmas, my true love gave to me, four calling birds...
BENDER: WHAT? Do these birds have cell phone telephones?
HERMES: Maybe they're related to our crackpot attorney...
PROFESSOR: Couldn't we say they're TALKING birds? Hmmmm?
FRY: (sighs) FINE... Four TALKING birds...
AMY: Three French kisses! (Leela attacks Fry again)
FRY: I think I can get used to these new lyrics...
LEELA: Two turtlenecks!
BENDER: And a new jacket for my homey! (looks around) What? I got a temporary license to sing on the holidays... it's cool.
FRY: On the FIFTH day of Christmas, my true love gave to me! FIVE GOLDEN...
HERMES: JOINTS! Oh, Acapulco Gold!
PROFESSOR: Four talking birds...
AMY: Three French kisses... we'll wait...
LEELA: Thanks, Amy... Two turtlenecks...
FRY/BENDER: And a new jacket from Macy's!
FRY: On the SIXTH day of Christmas my true love gave to me, Six geese...
BENDER: Roasting! That's old fashioned like, right? Roast goose?
HERMES: FIVE GOLDEN JOINTS!!!
PROFESSOR: Four talking birds.
AMY: Dare I say it? Their tongues are gonna fall off...
LEELA: (grinning after breaking her kisses from Fry) Nah- we're good! Two turtlenecks...
FRY: And a new jacket Leela got me! Hey, maybe next time we can sing the REAL...
BENDER: Come on! We wanna know what day seven brings!
FRY: (Sighs) On the SEVENTH day of Christmas my true love gave to me, Seven swans...
PROFESSOR: SWANS? No, Fry! They're endangered! You can't give THOSE as gifts!
FRY: It's just a SONG! COME ON!
BENDER: How about Owls?
AMY: Eww! No one eats those! Their VERMIN! How 'bout Peacocks?
FRY: But they have to SWIM! The LYRICS!...
AMY: Silly! Peacocks don't SWIM! Seven peacocks prancing!
BENDER: Six geese roasting!
HERMES: FIVE GOLDEN JOINTS!... I... I'll be right back...
PROFESSOR: Four talking birds, here!
AMY: Three... (Leela Jumps Fry, knocking him down and gropes him) Spleesh! Get a ROOM you two!
LEELA: We will... and you can't watch! Two turtlenecks!
FRY: And a new jacket Leela got for me! Damn, that last tackle got it dirty... hope it's not dry clean only...
HERMES: (comes back, eyes bloodshot) Come on, mon! What's number eight? We gotta know!
FRY: On the EIGHTH day of Christmas my true love game to me, eight Maids a milking...
AMY: Eight maids? At the going rate today, they better be Robomaids, or the gift giver will go broke!
BENDER: Robomaids, you say? Heh heh heh... milking what?
AMY: Buggalo!... DUUUH... Seven peacocks prancing...
BENDER: Six geese roasting!
HERMES: FIVE GOLDEN JOINTS!... I... I'm gonna slip off again...
PROFESSOR: Doesn't anybody want the four talking birds?
AMY: Three... (Leela and Fry wait anxiously) WEDGIES! HA! Got YOOOOOOOOUUUCH!!! (Leela gives Amy a wedgie)
LEELA: Not funny. Spoil sport. Two turtlenecks.
FRY: And a new jacket Leela got for... aw crap- hand wash only!
HERMES: (now staggering- eyes are little slits) Coooome OOOOOOOON, mon! What's next? What what what?
FRY/HERMES: (Fry looks at Hermes with a weird look as he joins him singing) On the NINTH day of Christmas my true love gave to me...
HERMES: Come on mon! The suspense is KILLING ME! Oh I can't take this stress... Be back... (runs off again)
FRY: Nine Ladies Dancing!
BENDER: Oh yeah! SHAKE IT baby! We can keep this one this way... Nine women shaking their bootays AND eight robomaids? I'm starting to LIKE this song!
FRY: Eight maids...
AMY: ROBOmaids milking buggalo... Seven Peacocks prancing!
BENDER: Six geese roasting!
HERMES: Five... Uh... hang on, daddy needs his medicine... (lights up)
PROFESSOR: Just what ARE these birds chatting about?
AMY: (holding her ass/crotch defensively) Three... (Sees Leela reaching over with a scowl on her face) NOT WEDGIES!!! KISSES! HONEST!
LEELA: (giggling, holding onto Fry as he gets more and more like molten butter in her arms) Two turtlenecks!
FRY: (trying to gain composure) Uh... I... Th-thanks for the jacket, Leela!
HERMES: (hanging onto Fry) EVERYBODY!... On the TENTH day of Christmas my true love gave to me!
FRY: (looks concerned at Hermes) Ten Lords a Leaping...
LEELA: What KIND of Lords? Fake title like ones, or a bunch of Zombie Jesuses? And just why the HELL are they leaping?
HERMES: JUST SING IT, PEOPLE!!! (takes another hit)
FRY: Nine Ladies...
BENDER: Shaking their groove thangs! Whoo!
AMY: Eight robomaids milking buggalo... Seven peacocks prancing!
BENDER: Can those geese wait? I wanna get down and funky with the ladies and robomaids! They can roast themselves, damn it!
HERMES: ... Uhhhh, is this my part? (takes another hit)
PROFESSOR: (Sighs) I can't GIVE these damned four birds away...
AMY: (cringes away from Leela) Three French kisses...
LEELA: (now starting to get as excited as Fry) Two turtle necks, sweetie!
FRY: And a jacket you gave me! Can we have fun taking these off?
HERMES: (takes out his calculator) Oh! RIGHT! (giggles) ELEVEN, Fry! EEEEELEEEEVEEEEEN!!!
FRY: On the ELEVENTH day of Christmas my true love gave to me, eleven pipers...
BENDER: Plumbing! (looks at Fry) What? If you work with PIPES, you're a PLUMBER, right?
LEELA: Ten Zombie Jesuses... really? What kind of a gift is THAT?
BENDER: NINE lovely ladies... NINE of 'em... oh yeah! Jackpot for Bender!
AMY: Eight robomaids milking, and seven peacocks prancing!... hey, how come I have to do two in a row?
BENDER: I think your geese are beyond roasting at THIS point, meatbags... (chugs a beer)
HERMES: Five... five... (looks at his stash) Here, Everyone! It's XMAS!!!
PROFESSOR: What if I genetically altered the four talking birds?
AMY: Do I HAVE to sing it?
LEELA/FRY: YES!
AMY: (sighs) Three French kisses... (shakes her head)
LEELA: T-t-two t-turtlenecks... damn Fry, you're a good kisser!
FRY: (nuzzling against Leela) And a new jacket Leela got for me! (Whispers) Thank you for EVERYTHING!
HERMES: On... uh... on...
BENDER: Twelve, Rasta man, TWELVE.
HERMES: YES! WE MADE IT! On the TWELFTH day of Christmas, my true love gave to me!
FRY: Can... can we skip to three again?
BENDER/AMY/HERMES/PROFESSOR: No!
FRY: Twelve drummers drumming!
HERMES: Oh... normally that'd give me a headache, but not NOW!
BENDER: Eleven Plumbers plumbing!
LEELA: Ten Zombie Jesuses... man THAT is WEIRD.
BENDER: I'm gonna get me some of those nine ladies! Hope camera number three works tonight...
AMY: Eight robomaids milking and seven peacocks prancing...
BENDER: The six geese I think are now charcoal... what say we do ham instead?
HERMES: F-fi-fiiiiiiive... uh... (passes out)
PROFESSOR: Four nuclear altered talking creatures of avian origin!
AMY: (shields eyes) Three French kisses! Oh you two! Even I'M getting embarrassed!
LEELA: (Has Fry pinned down) Two turtle necks! We are gonna have SOO much FUN dressing and undressing with your new clothes!
FRY: And a new jacket Leela got for MEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!
The scene changes to the Professor's lab. Everyone is in front of the 'What-If Machine'. They all turn and look at Fry.
BENDER: What is WRONG with you?
AMY: Spleesh!
HERMES: That made me look like I have a 'problem'!
ZOIDBERG: (crying) Where was ZOIDBERG!? I wanted to sing too!
Everyone walks off.
FRY: But... but Leela! Look! (points above himself) Mistletoe!
LEELA: (icily) No dice, Fry...
Everyone leaves Fry alone, dejected.
LEELA: (comes running back) Merry Xmas, Fry! (tackles him, smothering him with kisses)
FADE OUT...
THE END
|
