Deck the Halls with Boughs of Horror
By Dwayne Anderson
What goes through Fry's mind when he
meets Santa Claus for the first time in "Xmas Story"? Read
on to find out.
Oh boy! It's Santa Claus! My parents
and brother never believed there was such a thing as Santa Claus, the
man dressed in red and white, carrying a sack of toys, with a belly
that shook like a bowl full of jello. There's always room for jello!
But wait! Something's not quite right!
His eyebrows arch down as he laughs his famous "ho ho ho".
It was then that I realized that this was not the Santa that I
believed in. This was not Kris Kringle himself! As if renaming the
holiday to Xmas and learning that pine trees were extinct weren't bad
enough. This was not the Christmas I knew back in the twentieth
century. Something like this makes me wish I had never been
cyrogenetically frozen.
As he began advancing towards us, Leela
and I began to back away. The way he approached us seemed to threaten
us. He told us that we had both been very naughty, he checked his
list. When I asked that he check it twice, he replied that he
performed over fifty megachecks per second. This guy wasn't at all human! He was a computer in a robot's
body! Whoever programmed this guy ought to be dragged out into the
street and shot!
When he condemned us for disregarding
each other's feelings, Leela replied that I had brought her a gift.
But Santa merely shot back that we had disregarded the feelings of
our other co-workers, especially Zoidberg. Of course I denied, but
when Santa reached into his sack, my terror was replaced by delight.
Oh boy! Presents!
But when he pulled out a Thompson
Machine Gun, my terror returned as he opened fire. Me and Leela had
no choice but to duck for cover. Soon, we were running for our lives
as he rode on his sleigh by two robotic reindeer. Obviously, the
people who created this killing machine didn't know Santa had eight reindeer, nine if you count Rudolph.
I pleaded for our lives, offering him
milk and cookies, but he responded by throwing a christmas tree
ornament at us, which we both knew was a bomb. Me and Leela ran out
of the way just in the nick of time and ducked into a doorway.
We were trapped. He was coming back for
us. Me and Leela embraced, saying good-bye. It was then that I
noticed mistletoe above us. Our lips drew closer. If we were going to
die, at least we would go out together the way we wanted. But before
Leela could experience her first kiss, out of the glimpse of my eye, I saw Santa pull out a rocket
launcher and fire at us. We screamed. But suddenly, Leela's birthday
present, the parrot I bought her, got in the way and exploded.
Feathers rained down upon us. Now was our chance! We ran away as fast
as we could.
Bumping into Bender and his robotic
companions, who looked like they had robbed a seniors home, it gave
Santa a chance to catch up. Bender, being the dishonest liar he was,
tried to blame everything he ever did in his life on Tiny Timbot.
Santa of course didn't buy it and began to add it to his list.
Fortunately, Santa was very slow at writing, so we took the
opportunity to sneak off into the night towards safety.
We arrived at Planet Express and banged
on the door. Fortunately, the others were home. As we claimed
Sanctuary, two questions ran through my mind. Had we really lost
Santa? And why were Amy and Hermes bald while Zoidberg wore a wig
that resembled the hair of Amy and Hermes?
Unfortunately, the answer to the first
question was no. We heard noises on the roof. But before we could
seal the fireplace shut, Santa came down riding on his sleigh. This
guy never gives up when punishing the naughty!
Santa condemned all of us for being
naughty, but to our surprise, not to Zoidberg. Santa gave him a pogo
stick, which Zoidberg began to bounce across the room on. We envied
him.
Santa then threatened the rest of us
that he would tear off our skin. Yikes! This guy obviously liked
bloodshed! But killing the naughty seemed so extreme! Bender
proclaimed that if we didn't believe, he couldn't hurt us, but it
didn't work.
When Santa began to laugh his famous
"ho ho ho", his belly began to shake like a bowl full of
jello. If only it were true! One of the reindeer's nose began to
blink red. Now I realized how Santa was going to kill us! He was
going to blow us apart with one of his reindeer. We were doomed!
Fortunately, to our relief, Zoidberg
saved the day. Clipping the wires that held the Christmas lights, he
succeeded in electrocuting Santa, distracting him enough to allow
Leela to kick him back into the fireplace, while the rest of us
pushed his reindeer into the fireplace with him, before sealing it
up. An explosion sent Santa flying out the chimney. Usually, Kris
Kringle lays his finger on the side of his nose.
We all gave our thanks to Zoidberg for
saving us, then celebrated with a nice christmas dinner, which turned
out to my surprise, be the parrot I bought for Leela, roasted by
Santa's missile. I lost my appetite, but fortunately, Nibbler ate the
whole thing.
Later, we all gathered together to sing
Christmas Carols. Now this is the Christmas I remember! Christmas
isn't about the presents, the tree, the decorations, or even the
food. It's spending time with family and friends. I can consider my
co-workers my new family.
But I knew that next year, Santa would
return. But for now, I'm gonna enjoy the holiday. After all, only 365
more days till the next Xmas!
The End
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